Fri 21 Dec 2007
As social creatures, we have some control over how we are thought of by the people we interact with: through our actions and our words and the choices that we make, we give those around us a sense of who we are, and thus shape (however directly or indirectly) how they feel about us.
Presume that you have absolute control over how others perceive you, though: when forced to choose, would you rather be loved, or respected? And how would your hypothetical self behave, in this What If, and how would it differ (or resemble) your day-to-day actions in real life?
Posted by Josh Millard13 answers so far!
I believe respect is an inherent aspect of love. Having said that, I think I understand the intent of your question, but I’d probably replace “love” with “like”. To that question, if I’d rather be respected than liked, I can firmly respond that I’d rather be respected.
Loved. Love is all you need.
I’m not sure I agree about respect being implied by love, but I’ll grant you it’s a point worth considering. In fact, that’s part of the implication of the question — bearing with the presumption that there can exist a state of being loved but not respected, would it be worth it?
The same, too, for respect without love. I for one can respect the hell out of a principled, unlovable son of a bitch; I honestly wouldn’t much want to be him, though.
The one state, respected but not loved, is easy to picture, as you illustrate, Josh, but I’m not so clear on the alternative. Could your wife love you, but not respect you? I think I could construct elaborate gedankenexperiment that would illustrate such an odd situation, say, a parent-child relationship involving a near-bottom addict. Love exists within the relationship, but clearly there’s little to no personal respect. In that specific case, then, we’re asking if I’d like to be the loved addict? Obviously, no. While, it’d certainly be better to be loved if I found myself in that situation than to have to face recovery completely alone, that’s not really a place I see myself in.
I wouldn’t want loveless personal relationships, but neither would I want relationships where people don’t respect me, as in dbl’s example.
If we’re talking about the general population or people I’m working with, obviously respect. I don’t need to be adored by everyone and I certainly don’t want people walking all over me.
What I would change would be to have perfect posture 100% of the time, a fabulous wardrobe, and someone to carry my train as the crowds parted before me.
Absolute control? I believe dbl’d first comment serves as good food for thought–sub “liked” for “loved” and “respect” garners the vote. To do one’s work without a care as to how it was viewed by others, knowing that you could control their impressions, I’d choose not to and hope that they could realize what good was being done. To force a positive opinion is way too much of an ego move to set right with my day-to-day, ‘though I could stand to hear about what positive work I’d done, ‘occasionally.’
Marie’s “perfect posture” could give me the straight-ahead view that occasionally visits & changes the presentation, that does cause a parting of the crowd (’taint an ego thing here, I’m just tall.)
Screw “love” and “respect”. I just want the bastards to FEAR me.
Loved. Respect can vanish overnight. Love is a bit more forgiving.
PS : in the end, don’t we all want both? And isn’t respect a kind of love — when you respect a person, you admire them, if only on a very specific level, such as the area of their expertise. You want to please, and impress, and hopefully not piss off or earn the ire of the person you respect. With any luck you will get some respect back.
When you love a person, or know you are loved, you realize at some point that you can have flaws and make mistakes, and the other person can have flaws and make mistakes, and that love is the abiding bond that will help you ignore the negative and focus on the positive.
I think you can respect someone you don’t love, but I don’t think you can love someone that you don’t respect.
As a side note, A Bronx Tale has a nice scene talking about love vs. fear a la Machiavelli.
Maybe there’s an order of operations thing, here: love and respect are both things that can be once had and then lost. If the idea of developing a love for someone you don’t respect is unrealistic to you, what about the idea of losing your respect for someone you already love?
It depends on the relationship. For the record, I have seen love with too little respect. In general though this is too absolute of a forced choice to really get me thinking more on it, although the dynamic between those two things is very interesting.
I thought this was germane. A commentary on the Brazen Careerist on being liked or respected in your career.