Comments on: Could you lead a double life?

By: Greg Nog

Greg Nog — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 16:58:44 +0000

I definitely couldn’t do the first one. I have two very close friends whom I’m always talking to (call them A and B), and like thirty percent of my conversations with A are “B said this the other day, ain’t that crazy?” or, when talking to B, “A did this thing, what do you think of that?” Not being able to bounce emotional developments from one love off of another would eventually make me anxious and pissy all the time.

As for the job one, though: yeah, I could definitely do that. I like deception, and I’m fairly good at it, so it sounds like a blast. Plus, I could use the burden of my secrecy to practice my distant troubled stare. The one where I squint into the horizon as the sun sets, while the wind blows through my hair, and my jaw tightens. “It’s a lonely life, this world of duplicity I’ve chosen,” I would think to myself. “A lonely life… but a necessary one.”

Anyway, I’ve been a low-level bureaucrat in a huge metropolis for the past few years; it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that my family already thinks I’m leading some kind of secret life.

By: jessamyn

jessamyn — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 19:41:40 +0000

I would sooner die than let my family think I worked in sales. And I’m a terrible liar, so the spy life is not for me.

By: Kickstart

Kickstart — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 01:10:09 +0000

See, there’s where I am different. I pride myself on being the same person on the web as I am in ‘real life’, especially since I don’t make the distinction (being that with work and home I can easily spend 14-16 hours a day on the internet, there’s no room for me to act any different).

By: quin

quin — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 16:41:59 +0000

wendell beat me to the punch on this one, but yeah, I would argue that the character I play on the internet is shaded just differently enough from who I am in reality, that it could be considered my second/ different life.

Trying to do this in real life would be too exhausting though, I don’t think I’d have the ambition to pull it off.

By: wendell

wendell — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 03:53:39 +0000

I’d tend to say that anybody on MetaFilter who doesn’t have their real name in their profile is already doing a ‘low-impact’ version of a Double Life. Making Wendell my ‘creative’ self (starting way back in College Radio), I have done so on and off for a long time - my 9-to-5 coworkers were almost never aware of my sideline, even when it was very public. But lately I’ve had the opportunity to become Wendell pretty much full time (I only need that other name to sign checks.) It’s not that hard to maintain when the consequences are small, but it did almost get me fired from my day job once.

By: Marie Mon Dieu

Marie Mon Dieu — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:08:24 +0000

I could totally see being a corporate spy. I’ve worked for enough major corporations to see how easy it would be to walk out with documents, disks, mail something via the Post Office, etc. I’d also scope out the employees’ local watering hole and strike up conversations about how crappy management is, or simply sit and listen. Ideally, I’d go in as a low-level temp and wait 3 months after leaving to pass on my information. There’s usually enough turnover at big companies that they’d suspect someone higher up with more access and knowledge. A non-disclosure agreement is only good if you can pin it on someone. I wouldn’t have any qualms about passing on information from companies that spout ethics and taking the high road while screwing over their employees and/or the public.

I’d also work for a government agency if I thought the cause was right and I wouldn’t be exposed as a mole later on. If I absolutely had to keep it a secret from my family, I suppose I could say I’d won some money on a scratch-off ticket.

Love triangle: even if everyone knew and consented, nah. I can’t imagine falling in love with two different people at the same time. Our culture doesn’t really support the concept of polyamory unless you want to join a commune. I’m too private and set in my ways and I like having a long-term companion to share things with. If someone else wants to do it, hey, fine, it makes for great TV (Secret Lives of Women on WE comes to mind).

Keeping it a secret, blech. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

By: FelliniBlank

FelliniBlank — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 14:50:32 +0000

No way. I’m a lousy liar and have trouble juggling much simpler multi-tasks without getting stressed and confused. The first scenario is especially horrendous because dating at all . . . ugh.

By: dbl

dbl — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 12:09:04 +0000

While not with those two specific examples, I can safely say that I’m capable of leading two lives.

By: Phire

Phire — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 05:22:50 +0000

Yeah, the lying thing would really get me. Which is sort odd. I used to lie a lot when I was younger - it was cool to twist the truth, it was cool to get away with stuff. But there was also something really destructive about keeping people away, which is what lying does, and now I basically can’t stand to even lie by omission. The brutally-honest thing has gotten me into quite a few fixes and I’m still finding the balance between “socially acceptible flattery/falsehood” and “what I really think”. If I were forced to lie to people I cared about, that would pretty much kill me mentally, I think.

And yeah, goingonit has a good point. I get really invested in relationships and couldn’t imagine throttling back - 80% of 50% is only 40%. Not very… yeah.

By: mullacc

mullacc — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 05:20:41 +0000

I can’t manage one romantic relationship and it hurts my brain to even ponder managing two simultaneously, so the first scenario is out.

The second scenario sounds much more plausible to me. In fact, the secrecy of it sounds downright compelling. Where do I sign up?

By: goingonit

goingonit — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:15:49 +0000

I couldn’t do it: I’m bad at lying and I hate having to keep secrets. Also, I think serious romantic relationships take–if not more than 50% of one’s time–more than 50% of the amount of energy I’m willing to devote to maintain serious romantic relationships.

By: grumblebee

grumblebee — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 00:42:16 +0000

I’ve never pondered this before, but my from-the-gut reaction is “no way.” After letting it sit for a while, my “no” feels just as strong, despite the fact that I’m turned on by the adventure of secret identities. But I wouldn’t be tempted, because I know it wouldn’t work for me. Even if I was tempted, I wouldn’t be able to sustain it.

I’m pretty sure I know why: it’s because, all my life, I’ve been unable to sustain close relationships with more than three people at once. Usually, I have one best friend (my wife has taken this role for the last decade) and one or two other friends. I feel like I expend all of my social energy on these people. I’m one of those guys who doesn’t know how to relate to acquaintances. I never go out for drinks with people from work, etc. I probably have Aspergers.

Since I only have super-close, intense relationships, I can’t hide major aspects of myself with these people. If I did, my friends would feel more like acquaintances and my friendships would fail. And I’d have no one. Before things got that bad, I’d crack and tell my close friends my secret.

I’m entirely approaching this from part II of the question. Part I is even easier. I can’t — in my wildest dreams — imagine falling in love with two people at once. Once I’m in love with one, that person IS my other half. It’s not a romantic view; it’s simply an acknowledgment that I couldn’t bisect myself that way. We’re talking about love here. I can totally imagine myself having a meaningless, sexual affair. (Not that I would, but I can imagine it.)

But I know I’m extreme in this way. I here people talk about their work friends and their childhood friends and their family and their… And I imagine people who are comfortable and able to live like this (e.g. most people) don’t give all of themselves to all of these groups. I wonder, if I was generally used to holding back parts of myself (and yet still being friends), if I’d answer this question differently.