Tue 29 Jan 2008
There are decisions and then there are decisions. When faced with a touch choice, how do you go about deciding?
And how do you help yourself feel okay about the decision you’ve made?
Posted by Josh Millard11 answers so far!
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Y’mean, besides drinking myself into oblivion?
Well, yes, but do you drink yourself into oblivion while standing over a mat that reads “option 1″ on one half and “option 2″ on the other, and go with wherever the drool ends up puddled in the morning?
I usually mull it over for awhile and then talk it over with my best friend, and the answer sorts itself out in the mulling/talking. If it doesn’t become obvious, I choose whichever option I can live with better, I guess. How do I make myself feel good about the decision? I don’t know, repression seems to work… But honestly, some decisions are just hard to feel okay about, even if you know in the end you made the right choice. “Right” doesn’t always have to feel good. For example, if you decide to pull the plug you may feel okay with it over time, but for me, anyway, the emotions will always be mixed, no matter how absolutely right the decision was.
If Nassim Taleb is to be believed, the thought processes we ascribe to past decisions are pure fiction. We make decisions largely on subconscious cues, and then make up stories in hindsight about the “Real Reasons” and motivations behind a sequence of events.
Personally, I fictionalize my past decisions along the following process: 1) Direct experience; What similar situations have I been in that influence or correlate to my current situation and/or problem? 2) Expert advice/Research; Usually a quick Google search, or possibly - egads - reading a book on the subject, if it’s of particular heft. 3) Personal confidants; What do people who know me, or, rather, who I know and trust, think about the issue? 4) Prayer and scripture; Call it meditation, divine guidance, or what have you, questions or difficult decisions usually find their way into my prayer life.
Honestly, though, I usually just grab the socks that were on the top of the drawer.
Okay, I’ve been thinking about this all day. I’ve made a lot of big decisions lately, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how I made them. I mean, I debated them back and forth but when the time came to make them I just knew what the right decision was. It wasn’t anything like iron-clad certainty, but when it was time to make the call, I just went with what felt most natural and honorable.
I know it’s not much of an answer, but it’s the truest one I can give.
I usually do the whole pros and cons thing, but I also include my emotions in that. I do agree with dbl that a lot of decisions are subconscious and that we then make up explanations that seem to ‘fit’ (it’s exactly the topic we’re discussing in Organized Behaviour right now), and I’m a big believer of Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink ideology of thin-slicing and whatnot. But I always try to see if I can come up with a lot of solid points why I shouldn’t go with my first instinct, and then if my decision stays the same knowing that the opposite side has so many advantages.
Then again, I haven’t had to make a lot of difficult decisions, and for all but one of them I harbour a lot of regrets, so I’m probably spouting nonsense. But now I’m committed, and to be fair, those choices were more of a “least of all evils” scenario rather than a “good or bad” scenario, so… *shrug* it’s late, I’m rambly.
Part fact-checking, part intuition, and part talking it out with friends and family. Helps if they’ve been through it or know someone who has, so I can gauge the possible outcome. If it’s something medical, getting a second or even third opinion. If it’s a major purchase, saying “no” automatically to anyone who pressures me.
I can look back on some decisions and realize my emotions swayed me, especially in relationships, where I carried false expectations. Usually I knew I was making a bad choice but carried it out anyway. Love is blind! I feel lucky in my current relationship, but come to think of it, we talked a lot about expectations and such beforehand. Incidentally, my husband is a big fan of Blink and has the book and the movie.
Difficult to know what would have happened if I’d made different choices. Sometimes you just have to do what’s right for you and ignore other people. I think the blind drunk thing should come after you know you’ve made the wrong decision. Seriously though, if anyone is beating themselves up repeatedly over a choice they’ve made, it’s time to talk to a therapist (or minister, etc.). Mistakes are a part of life and there are probably hundreds of people within a few square miles of you who’ve made the same ones. I may never feel good about some decisions I’ve made in the past but accepting them and moving on is all I can do.
Field correspondent Query Biggles checks in with the Yahoo! Answers report.
dbl mentioned Nassim Taleb and his take on decision-making processes. I find Taleb’s take pretty convincing. Especially in the context of business decisions. One example Taleb uses (which he got from someone else, who I can’t remember–maybe Kahneman) is a survey of scientists who are asked to come to a conclusion after being given five facts and then asked again once they’re given twenty additional facts. The result is that the survey-takers screened the extra twenty facts for information that confirmed their original conclusion. So the ‘lesson’ to be learned is that an extended decision process is more about self-affirmation than it is about making a better decision.
This example was particular enlightening to me as it justified my frustration with the endlessly drawn-out investment committee and due diligence processes I encounter at work. Of course, Taleb would probably tell me I’m just picking out this particular example because it confirms my own biases. :)
Usually in my head, I have a list pros vs. cons, risks vs. gains. I roughly rank them. Maybe the benefit’s wonderful, but it’s very risky. Consider the worst and best scenario, then the worst I’m willing to deal with and the best I think is likely.
It all has to get past my “this bothers me” filter though. A nagging feeling or gut reaction usually means there’s something on the real list I haven’t figured out or realized is there yet. Walking away from it and then coming back to it usually clears some of those up.
Talking about it also helps a lot. Sometimes I have a strong inclination and reasoning but once I explain it to someone, I realize it’s not so good and needs a change. Or I don’t realize something bothers me until it falls out in a discussion. This requires patient people interested in what you’re struggling with. Or just you. Having a boss who values my input is really helpful with this. We decide a lot of things by hashing stuff out in a discussion.
Query Biggles? Wow.
First, figure out what I want to do, realizing that I may not get what I want.
Then what do other people want? Are their wants/needs important?
Then, what’s practical? how much risk is involved?
To me, there’s few difficult decisions. There’s what you want, what’s realistic and can you build a bridge between the two, even if it’s a old, rickety thing that’ll last just long enough.